just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
