you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
