I wish my penis had an off switch
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
