I skipped work to stalk him.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
