Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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