It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
