Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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