Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
