I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
