so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
