we're chasing vodka with high fives
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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