what day is it and did you see me today?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
