you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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