I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
