When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Dicks are not precious.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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