HIV tests are more positive than that guy
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Randomize
