I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
