Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
Randomize