he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
