I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
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