Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Randomize
