She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
