whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
