I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
