I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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