i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
