Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Randomize
