Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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