There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
