I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
