Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
