maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
