forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
