All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Randomize
