My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
