alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
