my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
never play flip cup with pint glasses
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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