My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
