I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
