What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
If I die, sorry about rent.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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