I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
