Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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