I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
