Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
