i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I just found puke in my bra..
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
