Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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