I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm bleeding and have questions
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
