Soap is not a condiment
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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