I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
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