someone threw a dead crab at me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Randomize
