when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize