at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
