got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
The uberlube is also flammable
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
