if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
