my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
