dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
