Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I need a beard to bite.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
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