just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
