I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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