Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
What a dumb baby whore.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
