I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
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