And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
