Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
