your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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